I spoke with my father tonight, a person I feel has great wisdom. I told kat to get out of my house, and I feel bad about it... but I had to so we could both be sane. It's almost like, now I have regrets for being so accomodating last time we broke up. This time I don't have to have any regrets that were within my control, and maybe my relationship with her, whatever state it may be, will have one less thing for me to hold against her... I don't want to hold anything more against than I already do. Things are going to suck for us both for a while. I don't think either of us was ready to commit to this relationship yet... It's too bad too. I talked to a friend of mine today that is married, and he bascially convinced me that trying to make things work right now just wouldn't work. This separation is necessary. Maybe it will drive us apart forever, maybe it won't. I honestly don't know what to think of our relationship other than the fact that we would've totally worked out together if it wasn't for some really rather minor things in the grand scope of life. I mean, jesus, if I lived in Africa faced with genocide I would have a lot more to worry about, or a Jew in Nazi germany. People in these countries where they have nothing they get the greatest satisfaction out of the littlest things. Unfortunately, I live in america where everything is 24/7/365 fast food, computers, internet, cell phones, bigger, better, fucking more. Whenever I felt down, I would know I was lucky that I had someone that loved me. I hoped she feels that way too, even if we cannot be together now, possibly ever again. I hope, above all though, that we both find happiness no matter what happens, and still be friends. I put the pictures back up that I took down.... the memories will always be beautiful.... and I know I cannot change the past. The future is uncertain, and that's okay... I think I need the uncertainty. It tests my ever aspect, and now that I am a spiritual person, I can be strong, and I know I will survive. I love and miss you Kat. Maybe some day....
comments
|
