| numb - Tuesday, October 4, 2005 10:00 pm
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have you ever gotten a piercing or a tatoo? you know that numb feeling you get where your brain has just perceived too much pain to acknowledge your surroundings anymore? that's where I am. I can't feel right now. I know everything will be okay, its just scary. Like getting blood drawn. Having that needle stuck in your vein seeping the life fluids from you.
I don't like this feeling
and I wish it would stop, I mean, its debilitating. I have been so stressed out. I am worried about my job ending... what if I don't get another contract? What if I need to take off time? What then? Sux0rs. I get 7 hours off time a month until I have been there 6 months... All of that time will be taken by holidays. I am pretty sure I am already in the negative because of holidays. It's kinda stupid you know. All starting in september. I miss the days at SoM only because you were there. I could see you at lunch and my day would be that much brighter. Just that little time to spend together during the day... I miss that. That's really the only thing I miss about SoM though. I shouldn't have changed jobs. Now there is so much uncertainty. Because of the time I didn't spend with you at lunch during the week, you forgot about me. Because I don't have a phone, you tell me to go to ellicott city where I cannot talk to you. And at work now I sit alone, occasionally talking briefly with my boss about him working on his escape tunnel from the prison we report to every day. Other than that, it's just that constant stress time with you. The time with Isis where we must maintain order and discipline in the world. Busy time. I was forgetting that you loved me too you know. I thought about getting out too you know. It's been hard for me to spend this much time alone. But I didn't try to get out... because I had faith in you.
I understood that this was a hard time for us both and that you schedule makes it hard to get together... so I waited... oblivious to the void that was forming in you. Now it's consuming me and I hope, if I get out, that you won't have slipped away from me. I don't know if I could look back
well.. I suppose it's nice to have internet in OEC... I guess
aim sn:bilths
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