| Delaware - Monday, October 24, 2005 2:29 pm
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Delaware was great. I got to spend time with my brother Dan and my cousin
Justin. His band is pretty good. Their drummer is pretty badass. I have this feeling
it will set a precedent for future family gatherings to come. Kat and Isis were in MD.
I missed them. I think Jayden would have had a lot of fun playing with Isis and vice
versa. It's too bad, you know. But I know, that Andrew was right. Why am I waiting
around? I know it's never going to happen. I know that I am living a dream. A dream
that only I seem to have. You know, it's like that Fiona Apple song. "You've got your
head in the clouds, you're not at all what you seem."
I love you, but I cannot play the jester in your court any longer.
I got some great pics and clips, but I can't synchronize them right now because my
camera cable is at the Ellicott city place. Maybe I will get it after work. So many
things rattling my brain. Must find the peace so the sadness doesn't consume me .
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Fortune finishes the great quotations,
#15 "Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses." And while you're
at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
Cowboy cheerleaders.
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You know, it was funny yesterday... Kat and I had this sort of smudging. Cleansing
if you will. It was important to me. The strangest thing about last night, was how I
really started to miss her, at the strangest time. When I was picking up blocks and
toys in the living room... I thought of you. Thinking of that little time we would spend
together, just you and me every day when we were at home... how I really must've
looked forward to that. Just that. Not a kiss, not a date, not sex, not a romantic
getaway... just picking up blocks in our living room. Is that a stupid thing to miss?
Tomorrow I will be going to New Jersey for the weekend to visit family. I will not be
bringing what I thought was mine. No matter. Attachment leads to letdowns, to
dissatisfaction. I cannot put my expectations into anything right now, because I
know that I will be filling a grave with my efforts. I want something that's alive now.
I want to live so bad... I know though, that the only thing I need to put expectations
into is myself. The only place I need to have faith is in myself.
Lately I have been listening to carcariass. They are a beautiful and brutal metal
band from ....France? wtf France is not a place I think of having good death metal.
I suppose they do have good food...
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| open mic - Thursday, October 20, 2005 5:04 pm
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I played the open mic last night. It's so wonderful to have that power. To have the
power to say "look! I am the super shazbot!" People really ate it up. The only
complaint that I got, was that my amp wasn't loud enough. Damn, I'll have to turn it
to 3 next time instead of 2! The power I have when I play, when the music starts
flowing from my body like blood from an open headwound, is better than sex.
Better than the best high, better than anything in the world.
Well, my daughter's love is still a competitor... but that's an understatement.
I saw Jen Riley last night. It's good to keep in touch with the people you
know, you know? We got Emily all kinds of trashed last night too. It's a good thing
she took off from work already for today. There were like 3 or 4 people passed
out on the floor of my apartment this morning. Casualties? Ha! I keep growing in
freedom. I feel like my independence is starting to take hold. I found out today
that my department (DNS) is being moved to be managed by another sub section
of the IT here at super stealth assassins. This means my contract will be
renegotiated and I will have the opportunity not only to stay much longer,
but also make more money. I feel like opportunitees are endless at this point. I
don't see any immediate end to this chaos and uncertainty. I guess I am just riding
that wave....
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My horoscope today: You may be concerned today with repairing something that has  broken down, such as an automobile or an appliance. Or you may have to deal with a situation that has broken down to the point that it must change radically in order to continue, even along completely new lines. You may have to contend with a person who is trying to exert unreasonable power over you today, forcing you to defend your right to do things your way. The person may feel that he or she is doing this for your own good, but that is not usually the case. Avoid contact with criminals and do not go into areas where you are likely to encounter street crime. Under this influence it is just possible that you might have an unfortunate encounter. I went to the buddhist meditation class yesterday. It was good. I am glad I went. Kat has still not defined her intent in such a way as to bring this situation to tilt one way or another. It will happen soon enough. I am not concerned with it's outcome now. I know that whatever it is I'm personally kinda of bored of waiting now. It's getting kinda old. I am getting kinda old. But I will continue to wait here, and be old, until the waves crashing in on my life now creep back from whence they came. Then I can see what lies in the sand. This will be the stability that enables me to take the next step. Even stranger, my google ads today looked like this: Ads by Goooooogle
Dr. Wayne Dyer Presents
The Power of Intention Hour 1-2 pm PDT every Monday
True Happiness
The heart has a question. The heart must be satisfied. Free book offer.
A Positive Attitude is
Everything. Become more positive & powerful with this Free new system.
70 Day Life Makeover
Take the Change Your Life Challenge Begin immediately!
lol time for breakfast
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| tie tell - Tuesday, October 18, 2005 4:30 pm
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Today I am planing on going to a buddhist meeting in my area. It's at the Oakland
Mills village interfaith center. I can't wait. I need to start bringing some books into
work.... this place bores me to death. Today's crazy story. Emily's birthday is
tomorrow. We're gonna get her smashed up. Sh'es turning 21! Yay birthdays.
I just got Medulla by Bjork. It's pretty good. Tomorrow is a new day
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| peace - Friday, October 14, 2005 12:52 pm
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Wow, so much has happened in the last 2 months. I get the opportunity of a lifetime,
combined with the loss of a lifetime. It's okay. I had a good friend of mine tell me
something that surprised me. I had been discussing my life's drama with her and she
said, that buddha found peace only when he stopped looking. I know that is what I
have to do now. It's like crowd surfing. You just close your eyes, and let go, with
the collective understanding that you will be caught. Sometimes it's awesome, and
you stay up and go places.... and sometimes you get dropped on your head.
Either way, you must embrace it and hope for the best outcome. I feel kinda
sorry for Kat. She has to make some important decisions about what to do
with the immediate and more far reaching future of her life...
I know that I can find happiness and empowerment, either through my
independence, or through Kat's love. Nothing else to really do, but be
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